Unlocking The Past

I'm in the mood to self-reflect. So hear me out. Or read me. Whatever.

I was clearing out my room earlier this evening, as I needed to make more room for myself. I just realized that a crowded space is no longer my 'thing' (or was I just too lazy to clean up before? Maybe I've been in denial all these times? Well, no matter! :p).

Interestingly, I found quite a number of things from my past. I didn't even realize I had them! (Oh, just so you know, they were all covered in dust...LITERALLY! I swear to God I could have died back there! Just wanted to add the dramatic effect here! :p). 

These things made me wonder... have I changed over these years? If so, how much? Well, I have, and...A LOT... but of course, for the better. There were so many dark things from my past that I had put behind... and at this age, I couldn't help but laugh at myself... my past mistakes. How foolish was I? VERY! Well, I was young and stupid. Let's laugh together. Okay, stop! You're making me uncomfortable :p.

Anyway, I found a piece of paper entitled "How Could You?".  It took me quite sometime to realize that it was actually written by ME! Back in 2006...!!! To be exact, on 4th June 2006. Now, where was I back then? What was I thinking or feeling? What kind of condition was I in? By the looks of it, it seemed pretty clear to me that I was upset... so sad that I poured out what I was feeling at that particular moment in time. I kinda felt sorry for my "old" self. *sigh* If only you knew...

So let me share with you what I had written...brace yourself now!!! This could be dangerous! :p

"HOW COULD YOU?" [Written by Me, Myself & I... back in the day!]

Once upon a time

When I thought you were mine

I gave you all my heart

But you broke it in two

I cannot deny 

What I felt for you was real

Oh baby can't you see?

Now I can lash out and say...

I don't wanna be a fool... NO!

Cos I don't wanna lose my cool

But for now... hear me out, so stay...

This is what I have to say

How could you blame me?

You never wanted me

Now you say that you really want me back...

I've got to let go

This feelin' in my heart

I've got these five words

To tell you how I feel

I-AM-SO-OVER-YOU!

I'm all cried out

Don't wanna give in

How can that be so hard to comprehend?

So I told myself

How could I lose

Something that I never had before?

How could you blame me?

**********************************************************************************

I am so thankful that the past has shaped who I am today. 

Nobody likes change.

But change is inevitable.

Whether you like it or not, we have to face it... someday... somehow.

Embrace it!

If you're too short-sighted, a change is in fact, a BLESSING in disguise... we just took it for granted. Think about it.

A personal perspective: Easy Vs Difficult

Dearest readers,

I was contemplating earlier today whether I should post a new blog entry as I was running out of ideas! Curiously enough, I had a 'light bulb' moment (maybe my muse was around!). So here goes some of my random thoughts that you can ponder upon:

1. It's a lot easier to point our finger and place a blame on someone, but it is often difficult to take responsibility.

2. It's usually easy to laugh at other people for their flaws, but we hardly take the time to actually laugh at our own mistakes.

3. It's very easy to pass judgments (people DO judge a book by its cover), but we hardly take the extra time to look at ourselves in the mirror to reflect on our imperfection.

4. It is often easy to say what we want to say to someone, but we hardly take the initiative to start something.

5. It's very easy to give up, but it's a lot harder to make an attempt at something new.

6. It's mostly easier to think, but it is often too hard to feel and connect with the emotions.

7. It's easier to intimidate someone with a 'cold', heartless look, but it's quite a challenge to plaster a smile on the face.

8. It's very easy to cross the lines, but it never is easy to realize our own boundaries.

9. It's often easier to forgive, but it's usually difficult to forget.

10. It is easier to foresee the future, but it is always a challenge to realize it.

I thought I'd share this great news with you.This, at least makes my day today! My number 1 idol of all time is back -- not "Mimi"...but Miss Mariah Carey! I am so ecstatic to hear her true angelic voice again. Watch out people, she's going to reign the music world all over again!

Thanks Mariah for inspiring me...and of course, for the gift of music...Thank you so much for speaking on my behalf -- Your music never fails to speak for the little voice in me...your music really is my 'true' voice. I will love you forever.

"I Wanna Know What Love Is"

(taken from Mariah Carey's upcoming album 'Memoirs of An Imperfect Angel')

I gotta take a little time 

A little time to think things over 

I better read between the lines 

In case I need it when I'm older 

 

In my life there's been heartache and pain 

I don't know if I can face it again 

Can't stop now, I've traveled so far 

To change this lonely life... 

I wanna know what love is... 

I want you to show me... 

I wanna feel what love is... 

I know you can show me... 

I'm gonna take a little time 

A little time to look around me 

I've got nowhere left to hide 

It looks like love has finally found me 

In my life there's been heartache and pain 

I don't know if I can face it again 

Can't stop now, I've traveled so far 

To change this lonely life... 

I wanna know what love is... 

I want you to show me... 

I wanna feel what love is... 

I know you can show me... 

I wanna know what love is 

I want you to show me 

And I wanna feel, I want to feel what love is 

And I know, I know you can show me 

Let's talk about love 

I wanna know what love is, the love that you feel inside 

I want you to show me...

5 TOP things I long for in love...

1.  To love and be loved at the same time

Nothing in this world beats the feeling you get when you're IN love. The last time I was in love I thought I was on top of the world. I always had the urge to tell the whole world I was in love. It was the greatest feeling...ever! But I just don't know whether I still see love the same way I did before. This part of my life is too 'vague' and I can't put my mind to even visualize it anymore.

2. To say & hear "I Love You...I miss you, Sayang"

I remember being called "Sayang"... To me this is the sweetest term of endearment. But then again...if only you knew...

3. To hold hands

This picture speaks a thousand words. There's no need for me to elaborate how much it warms the heart when your hands connect...

4. To be held in a warm embrace

This is one of the most intimate moments you can have with your partner. It's a lot different than a normal hug. When your bodies merge, you can feel each other's heartbeat... to me this is magical. Your heart never fails to skip a beat...

5. To share a wonderful scenery with 'a special someone' 

A picturesque & breathtaking scenery should only be shared with someone who is the closest to your heart. This is the time when you both take in the beautiful view... without saying much. The most important thing at this very moment is to enjoy and appreciate each other's company... followed by a great, sensuous kiss...

Ode to loneliness: "I feel like..."

I feel like a lonely tree...

High up on a lush, green hill...

With a bundle of dark clouds...

Looming over me mockingly...

I feel like I have to keep fighting...

To get my share of sunlight...

I feel obligated to kiss the air around me...

So I can continue breathing...

I feel...

...I feel that

Loneliness is aggressively consuming my very soul...

Erasing my sheer existence...

This is the reason why...

...  Even in your majestic presence...

I can't conceive...

I am failing to utter...

Simple words of...

'I Love You'

I'm so afraid...

That you won't see me twice...

You won't feel the same way that I do...

And you will see me differently...

I'm so constantly worried

Because my shadow is haunting me...

Secretly in its demeanor...

As I reach high up

Anticipating my fall... 

But deep inside I know...

I will soar steadily...

As my roots are intact...

Nothing will shake me...

No matter what the obstacles...

I shall stand tall...

So I can embrace the warmth of the sun...

The one who has always loved me...

Who? The real me...

Have you ever...?

Have you ever liked someone so much it hurts you badly? Isn't love supposed to make you feel good? I'm confused...

Have you also tried to say something important to someone, but the words just won't come out right? No matter how many times you rehearse your lines? There's always something that pulls you back! My conscience! 

......

I'm all bruised...inside out...can you see it? May be not...because this facade masks my private, odious despair quite perfectly. If only you'd understand how I am really feeling inside...If only I had a magical power that allows me to take you on a journey inside my heart...or what's left of it...so you can see how shattered it is...how scattered the pieces are...so minute, yet each one tells a unique story of how I have fought for happiness throughout the 28 years of my life. 

......

So I'm allowing this video to speak on my behalf...to represent the little voice inside of me that is struggling to be heard... 

Number 1 really is the loneliest number....

The broken heart: Is there a cure?

An angel once whispered softly into my ear, telling me that once I stop looking for love it will come looking for me. But when? It's been forever. I get scared each day...

My heart has literally stopped expecting. It's reluctant to 'believe'.. It's petrified to even 'open' up.. It's as if it has refused to 'breathe'...

Exactly how long should one wait to receive the gift of love again? Or has love given up on me? 

Somebody please tell me.